Values Be Damned
Joshua sat in the high backed chair and could feel his perspiration soaking into his clothing. While he had already taken off his sweater, the only thing left to remove was his t-shirt, which he felt would make his meeting awkward. Joshua decided that he needed to get his mind off the heat of the office.
The room had blinds on the wall, but when Joshua opened them, he found more walls. Instead of lights, there were several candles hung on the walls, and after what felt to be an hour of waiting in the office, the candles hadn’t seemed to have burned down. Despite the abundant number of candles, the office was still dark enough that Joshua needed to squint to see around the rest of the room.
All along the walls, there were several pictures that all appeared to have the same man, dressed like he was going to a funeral, posing with several different people.. He stood up to get a closer look and found that the man in each of the pictures was smiling proudly while the others in the pictures looked like they had suffered a horrendous loss or had just received news of cancer.
The many oddities around the office left Joshua feeling increasingly puzzled that he had no clue as to where he was or who he was meeting. Joshua sat back in the chair and felt it would be best if he just continued to try to find ways to avoid thinking of the heat.
There was a high pitched grating as the lock on the door slowly turned. The door creaked open and Joshua was swept back in his chair as he felt like someone had opened up an oven door and his nostrils flared with the smell of burnt meat. In the doorway stood the man from the pictures, wearing the same style black button up shirt and pants that he wore in the pictures.
“I apologize for keeping you waiting so long, but you know how business can be. It seems like an eternity since I have had a vacation.” The man let out a little chuckle at his private joke as he closed the door behind him and walked to his desk.
“It is a pleasure to meet you,” said the man cheerfully.
Joshua stood up and extended his hand out, but the dark man just walked past him and sat on the other side of the desk.
“I must admit, that I have been waiting for you for sometime.”
“Really?” Joshua asked.
“Absolutely. It isn’t everyday that we get someone with your sort of values here.”
“Thanks . . . I think” Joshua felt a little strange at the man’s excitement, especially since he still had no clue as to who the man was or where they were at.
The held his head back and began laughing uncontrollably. After five minutes of laughter, Joshua was feeling a little uncomfortable, but continued to sit in silence.
The man’s laughter slowly subsided and he clutched his chest as he tried to catch his breath. "Oh man . . . I’m sorry for that, but you guys fall for it every time.” He unbuttoned the top button of his shirt and began drinking from a glass on his desk.
He sat the cup back on the desk, placed his hands on the desk and with a serious look said, “No. We actually get your type here every day. You, my good man, are in Hell.”
Joshua waited for the laughter to return, but the man continued with his glare. “I’m sorry, did you say Hell?”
“Yep. This is Hell, and I happen to be Satan. Don’t feel special. I meet all of the newbies.” The smile on Satan’s face now matched the pictures on the wall, leaving Joshua wondering if he had a similar dejected look like the other down trodden souls shown in the pictures.
“I know it may seem hard to believe, but we need to get past the whole disbelief and doubt. I have several other unlucky sinners to welcome. Here this may help.” A flash of fire erupted on Satan’s face and the skin slowly melted away revealing a blackened skull that somehow still appeared to be smiling. Joshua wanted to claw his way over the back of the chair but he was frozen in terror.
The skeleton began laughing again and just as fast as the flames had formed, all of the skin returned. Satan continued to laugh as Joshua slowly came to grips with the situation.
“Uh . . . There . . . There,” Joshua was having difficulty with forming a sentence. “There must be . . .” Joshua swallowed hard to get the rest out. “. . . A mix-up.”
Satan slapped his head and slowly dragged his hand down his face. “Why does everyone question me? You screwed up. You sinned. You died. You’ve gone to Hell. Don’t act too surprised.” Satan’s seriousness returned. “Don’t try telling me that you never heard the warnings. The big guy upstairs, who everyone loves so much, certainly went overboard with his advertising budget.”
“Yeah . . . I did.” Joshua just couldn’t believe that he would end up in Hell.
“Good, then you know why you are here.” Death stood to leave; feeling satisfied that he had made his point.
“Actually, I don’t.”
Satan’s face began to turn a deep shade of crimson, which made Joshua worry that it would erupt in flames again. “What don’t you understand? You break the rules and you end up here.”
“No I understand that.”
“My records show that you broke several of my favorite rules.” Satan began to list off Joshua’s transgressions with his fingers, “Fornication, blasphemy, laziness, and wearing black pants with brown belts in the same outfit to name a few.”
Death lowered his hand and said, “Okay so the last one isn’t too bad, but you get my point. So let’s make our way to the brimstone and eternity of suffering, shall we,” asked Satan with a demonic grin.
Death extended his arm to the door, but Joshua remained sitting. Death figured he was going to have to call one of the hell hounds to drag the poor disbelieving man from his office. However, he was shocked when Joshua began laughing.
Joshua slowly stopped laughing as Death was coming to grips that Joshua had cracked up. “I don’t belong here.”
“Ok, you are forcing me to get my hell hounds.”
As Death began turning the handle to leave, Joshua words interrupted him. “I got baptized last week.”
Joshua waited for a reaction, but Death just continued to hold the door knob. “A couple of months ago two guys wearing white shirts and ties knocked on my door. I listened to what they had to say, and let them baptize me last week. No more sins.”
“Well crap.” Death’s head dropped and he looked down at his feet. “Death bed baptism, huh?” Death shook his head in disbelief. “Well, we could have had some real fun. At least I would have.”
Death turned to face Joshua and smiled, but not as proudly as he had in each of the pictures. He held up his hand and snapped his fingers transporting Joshua out of the small dark office. Joshua woke to find himself standing outside gates of the most brilliant white and gold. He smiled proudly as he pushed open the heavy gates and walked through.
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